It felt as though I was convulsing on the inside. The anxiety was crippling as it twisted back and forth in my belly. The words I had practiced over and over in the wee hours of the morning threatened to stay locked up tight where safety ruled. The urge to bite my cuticles was overwhelming because it felt like the only relief that was available to me at the time.
It was the moment of all moments. The moment I would tell over 200 women about the skeletons that laid so neatly in the closet of my heart.
What would they think about me? Would they see me differently?
It’s a story that typically is not told. From the world’s point of view it’s shameful and private. Something to be kept secret. It’s full of drama. Heart wrenching, yet inspiring. I won’t go into all the details here because that’s not what this article is really about. It’s not about my story.
It’s about the fact that I was bold enough to tell it.
I closed my eyes and breathed deeply; hoping and praying for solace and confirmation from the Lord about what I was about to do. Even though He’d confirmed it before time and time again, in that moment I felt I needed more.
I was teetering between two very different thoughts. The first was how exciting it was going to be to share God’s miraculous story of how He saved me and my marriage. The second was literally what in the hell was I thinking in telling people about my past?
“Lord, I need you, please help me” I whispered.
As I closed my eyes I felt something like I’ve never felt before. It was like Jesus took a warm blanket and wrapped it around my frail and freezing body. I looked around me and saw dear friends who had loved and supported me. One friend smiled sincerely at me and I knew that it was God telling me, “it’s going to be okay, I’ve got this.” I suddenly felt peace like a river rushing wildly inside of me.
I walked on stage with my Bible in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and began to tell my story of God’s amazing grace and His beautiful redemption.
After a brief opening the words that paralyzed and shamed me for so long came spilling out of my mouth.
Today I have the honor of being a guest over at Rachel Britton’s place today. Rachel is passionate about living bold and fearlessly. I hope you’ll follow me over there to hear the rest of my “be bold” story.
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