Fighting to Know God | {Fiercely His #4}

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This is the second week of the #fiercelyHis series and your response has been overwhelming. My prayer has been not only for the reader, but for the writer as well -that you both would experience new or deeper healing and that you would be encouraged to live fiercely for Him!

I’m thrilled to bring Lloydetta to the blog today! I LOVE her. She’s real, authentic and just kind. When she told me her story, I knew it needed to be told and I’m honored to have her writing it down for you all today!

The last words I spoke to my dad before he passed away were, “I hope you die and go to hell for what you did to my sisters, and to our family!”

I didn’t shed one tear. The fact is, I was glad he was dead.

Do you feel lost? Lonely? Like you are fighting to know God? He is in relentless pursuit of you!

I often hear those who were raised by Godly parents talk about the wisdom, life lessons and unconditional love they learned from their fathers.  There are times I feel jealous and robbed because I was never able to experience that and it is still painful to this day. 

While there were fathers who instructed their teenagers to not drink and drive because they could get killed, my father was doing, well.. almost the same.  Instead of  “you could get killed,” my father would say “you might hit a bump and spill your drink and I don’t want you wasting good whiskey,” always throwing in a curse word or two. For the longest time I thought my name was “dammit,” because he said it so often.

My dad was an alcoholic.

He was also deep into pornography.

He had stacks of pornographic magazines and video tapes in our house. It wasn’t something that he hid. In fact, he would show the pictures to me and make disgusting comments about the sexual acts.

Dirty Little Secrets.

Did I mention I am the youngest of five daughters? We were never taught that sex was a sacred thing between a husband and a wife but simply something that you did because it felt good.

When I was sixteen years old I learned that my dad had gotten my two oldest sisters drunk and raped them.

I remember that day vividly. There was an argument between my oldest sister and my parents and she just blew up and blurted out everything that had happened. After that, no one spoke of what happened for years, and there was certainly no counseling.

It was our family’s “dirty little secret.”

From that day forward my life spiraled out of control. I couldn’t process what had happened and no one would even talk about it. I started experimenting with speed and marijuana but I needed more so I started doing hard stuff like LSD and cocaine. I would also take Valium, and anything I could get my hands on to mask the pain.

I would be gone for days and nobody ever came looking for me.

Instead of  “are you okay -we were so worried -we love you -let’s talk,” I heard “where the f*** have you been?”  

Just Like Them.

So, at the age of seventeen with a heart full of anger, confusion and rebellion I left home determined to have a better life because I didn’t want to be like them.

Thirteen years later I realized I had become the very thing I had tried to escape.

I was everything that I hated and I did the one thing I said I’d never do.

I had become just like them.

I was a functioning addict. I wasn’t addicted to a specific type of drug or alcohol,  but I was addicted to sex and getting high on whatever was available.

By the time I was 26 I was an unmarried mamma with two sons from two different fathers. I went through jobs, rental houses and men like they were candy. I used my looks and my body to get what I wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted. All of my relationships were built around sex and getting high.

My dad passed away shortly after.

The last words I spoke to him before he passed away were, “I hope you die and go to hell for what you did to my sisters, and to our family!”

I was numb.

I didn’t shed a tear; in fact I was glad he was dead.

Fighting to know God.

I realized that this family curse of alcoholism and addiction had to end, and somehow I knew that I had to be the one to end it. I wanted to be a good mother. I wanted to be a good person, but I just didn’t know how. I desperately cried out to God.

I didn’t understand what was going on at the time, but certain things just didn’t feel right anymore. At the time my youngest son’s dad was living with me. At night I would scoot over to the very edge of the bed and would not let him touch me. I was ashamed, and although I didn’t know it at the time, I was starting to become very aware of my sin.

The Holy Spirit was convicting me and over the course of several months God began to show Himself to me.  I started noticing the beauty of nature just like I did when I was a child. I remembered how carefree I was, and how fascinated I was with God’s creation. Suddenly the sky was beautiful again. I could hear the birds singing and smell the flowers.

I began to have divine encounters with God. Some were not pleasant and I just didn’t get it. God was foreign to me. I was trying hard to be good but I still didn’t realize that I couldn’t do it on my own.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
There was an intense battle between the dark and the light.
Between the forces of good and evil.
On more than one occasion I was at a bar when God opened my eyes to see into the spirit realm.I literally saw demon-like creatures operating through the people who I was with. It was terrifying, I can remember looking at those around me and thinking “I don’t belong here!”

I am so thankful that He is relentlessly in his pursuit of us!

He is relentless in His pursuit of us! #God #fiercelyHis @lloydetta Click To Tweet

Fight to know a God who is in relentless pursuit of you!

I called His name.

These “encounters” went on for several months. There was a battle for my soul. I felt like I was being pulled to and fro. But even in the battle I couldn’t shake the wonderful presence that would come. And I had no idea what it was, but it would envelop me as I inched to the edge of the bed every night because I didn’t want to be touched in “that way” anymore by a man who was not my husband

When he {the Holy Spirit} comes, he will prove the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment. John 16:8 (NIV)
And then it happened.It was in the middle of the afternoon. I was high and just disgusted with myself. I felt confused and helpless.Ricky Lake was on the television. I have no idea what her show was about that day, but something about it must have overwhelmed me and I thought to myself, “is this is it?!  Is this what my life has become?!” And yet at the same time, there was that presence that always seemed to just “be there.”

Finally, on that glorious day while watching Ricky Lake I was no longer able to resist the wooing of the Holy Spirit. I fell to the floor and wept with my face in my hands. I was exhausted.

I was empty.

I was afraid.

Okay God! If this is you please save me, I can’t do this any longer, I want to be a good person but I need your help.

All who call upon the name of the Lord SHALL be saved. Romans 10:13 #fiercelyHis Click To Tweet

All I did was call His name. I didn’t say a fancy, long, eloquent prayer. I didn’t renounce the devil (I didn’t know how or what I was even doing). In that moment I didn’t repent of all my sins. I simply called His name and He came!

Unexpected Forgiveness.

I felt an overwhelming sense of forgiveness and I immediately thought of my dad. I suddenly had a glimpse of him; a vision. I saw him in a beautiful grassy meadow and his face was bright and almost child-like. I knew he had made it to heaven. Somehow I knew that the devil was behind all of the evil things he had done and I completely forgave him.

Several years later I re-connected (on Facebook of course!) with my uncle; my dad’s little brother. He was with my dad when he passed away. He told me that he prayed with my dad and he had received Jesus on his death-bed. We wept together and I shared the vision I had with him.

Over the years several of my family members have come to know the Lord.

I have three amazing children who all love the Lord.

My oldest has five children of his own and it blesses me to know that he is raising them to love Jesus.

I often let my mind go back to that day in my living room and I am filled with gratitude because that is the day that He came to me!

He is my first true love and my forever. I promised Him that day that I would live for Him for the rest of my life. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but it truly has been worth it. In this world we will have trouble. But when we put our trust in Him we can have peace in the midst of anything that comes our way.

Lloydetta is a fighter.

13330896_1020562451314317_6796526074729495990_nAfter several years of serving in the local church and prison ministry, Lloydetta began her own ministry called Precious Fruit Ministries. Lloydetta developed a passion for victims of human and sex trafficking, and in 2012 her central focus shifted and Precious Fruit Ministries formed Restoration House as a project of the ministry. Restoration House will be a long-term home to help minor girls rebuild their lives after being exploited into the sex-trafficking industry. PFM/Restoration House is recognized with the IRS as a 501c3 charitable organization. If you are interested in partnering with Restoration House please contact Lloydetta at lloydettak@gmail.com.

In addition to her charitable work and ministry Lloydetta brings over 20 years of sales and customer service experience to Coldwell Banker team as a licensed Real Estate Sales Executive. She is passionate about serving others and would love the opportunity to work with you. You can connect with Lloydetta here:

www.preciousfruitministries.com  Facebook  Twitter

 

I always enjoy hearing from you! Please take a minute to say ‘hi’ and share your thoughts below. Also leave any prayer requests. I love praying for you!

Also, would you do me a favor —if you resonate with this article or it has helped you today— would you share it with someone else? Maybe a friend, coworker, or family member…?

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  1. lc says:

    Please pray for me and my work situation. I need multiple miracles that only God can do! Thank you ♡

  2. Tears are flowing…
    What a powerful testimony about God’s grace. I’m continually amazed by how merciful God is and how He is able to restore lives the way that He does. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so heart-wrenchingly open and honest. I thank the Lord for your courage and willingness to put yourself out there. We need more like you.
    Be blessed,
    Natalie

  3. MELANIE REDD says:

    Wow! What a story and what a testimony to the simplicity of the gospel. Call on the name of the Lord and be saved.
    I’m so sorry for all that you have lived with and through, Lloydetta!
    And, I am so thankful that you are allowing God to use you to impact others – including your own family!

  4. Dawn says:

    This was a story that brought me to tears, in gratitude to the relentless redeeming love of our Saviour. Thank you, Lloydetta and Shannon, for sharing this. God bless you both.

  5. Deb Wolf says:

    Lloydetta, Thank you for sharing your powerful story here. God’s power to change lives is the best blessing we will ever receive. His grace overwhelms me. It truly is His fierce love that makes us fierce.

    Shannon, Thank you for this series. Wow!

  6. RebeccaLynn says:

    Thank you for sharing your deeply personal and very powerful testimony, Lloydetta. Praise God that you listened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and fell to your knees and cried out to our Father! Thank you for being a faithful servant – taking what was meant to destroy you, and instead using it to minister to others who are suffering through sexual abuse. Prayers for you and your ministry – and all those who are suffering at the hands of evil. May they be set free!

  7. Wow, Shannon! Lloydetta’s story is definitely powerful. Amazing how God can turn around our lives when we turn to Him! And to think He’s always there in our mess just waiting to throw His arms around us! Thanks for being so open that others might find healing too, Lloydetta!
    Blessings!

  8. Valerie says:

    What a powerful testimony! I love how Jesus pursued Lloydetta and how he met her when she called out his name. I’m teary-eyed just thinking about the unseen forces for our souls and the Love of God to meet us right smack in the middle-to fight for us-pursue us- defend us-die for us! Thank you Jesus!

    • Shannon says:

      I know Valerie..I shutter at the thoughts of the “forces of darkness” because they’re out there…and they’re very real! But like you, I’m so thankful that God is stronger!!!!

      • Tammie says:

        Shannon said hear my prayer time this morning I honestly do not even know how I ended up at your blog. As I read your story it runs so parallel to mine. If I could put my story into words it would have been your exact words! It brought me to tears. My father was a very very loving and gentle man it was a family member who did the sexual molesting. My life was a mess i was caught up in drugs and men with 3 kid’s. until one day I realized that what I thought had happened to me had in fact happened and it came flying out of nowhere all the memories and that was whenever Gods pursuit of me really manifested itself. I acutely became aware of my sin. The nightmares and the dreams of demons as I went through the spiritual battle during that time was terrifying…it was during a time of what i call shedding away the layers of sin. God was removing all the sinful desires and temptations from the alcohol, to the drugs and even sexual lifestyle. I no longer wanted those things and it made me feel ashamed to even be touched by anyone who wasn’t my husband. I believe my coming across this is God’s way of reminding me how much he love me and how much he was pursuing me all of my life from the time that my father died. That is something else that shocked me
        when I read your story I dreamed of my father in the exact same way after he passed. I was in a meadow in the side that I was on was extremely windy and the side that he was on was very calm and peaceful. His face seemed to perfect almost airbrushed i felt like he was telling me that it was okay that i didnt have to keep running

  9. Jeanette says:

    Thank you for your testimony and walking in God’s. truth I pray your strength in the lord be bless

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