This is the second week of the #fiercelyHis series and your response has been overwhelming. My prayer has been not only for the reader, but for the writer as well -that you both would experience new or deeper healing and that you would be encouraged to live fiercely for Him!
The last words I spoke to my dad before he passed away were, “I hope you die and go to hell for what you did to my sisters, and to our family!”
I didn’t shed one tear. The fact is, I was glad he was dead.
I often hear those who were raised by Godly parents talk about the wisdom, life lessons and unconditional love they learned from their fathers. There are times I feel jealous and robbed because I was never able to experience that and it is still painful to this day.
While there were fathers who instructed their teenagers to not drink and drive because they could get killed, my father was doing, well.. almost the same. Instead of “you could get killed,” my father would say “you might hit a bump and spill your drink and I don’t want you wasting good whiskey,” always throwing in a curse word or two. For the longest time I thought my name was “dammit,” because he said it so often.
My dad was an alcoholic.
He was also deep into pornography.
He had stacks of pornographic magazines and video tapes in our house. It wasn’t something that he hid. In fact, he would show the pictures to me and make disgusting comments about the sexual acts.
Dirty Little Secrets.
Did I mention I am the youngest of five daughters? We were never taught that sex was a sacred thing between a husband and a wife but simply something that you did because it felt good.
When I was sixteen years old I learned that my dad had gotten my two oldest sisters drunk and raped them.
I remember that day vividly. There was an argument between my oldest sister and my parents and she just blew up and blurted out everything that had happened. After that, no one spoke of what happened for years, and there was certainly no counseling.
It was our family’s “dirty little secret.”
From that day forward my life spiraled out of control. I couldn’t process what had happened and no one would even talk about it. I started experimenting with speed and marijuana but I needed more so I started doing hard stuff like LSD and cocaine. I would also take Valium, and anything I could get my hands on to mask the pain.
I would be gone for days and nobody ever came looking for me.
Instead of “are you okay -we were so worried -we love you -let’s talk,” I heard “where the f*** have you been?”
Just Like Them.
So, at the age of seventeen with a heart full of anger, confusion and rebellion I left home determined to have a better life because I didn’t want to be like them.
Thirteen years later I realized I had become the very thing I had tried to escape.
I was everything that I hated and I did the one thing I said I’d never do.
I had become just like them.
I was a functioning addict. I wasn’t addicted to a specific type of drug or alcohol, but I was addicted to sex and getting high on whatever was available.
By the time I was 26 I was an unmarried mamma with two sons from two different fathers. I went through jobs, rental houses and men like they were candy. I used my looks and my body to get what I wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted. All of my relationships were built around sex and getting high.
My dad passed away shortly after.
The last words I spoke to him before he passed away were, “I hope you die and go to hell for what you did to my sisters, and to our family!”
I was numb.
I didn’t shed a tear; in fact I was glad he was dead.
Fighting to know God.
I realized that this family curse of alcoholism and addiction had to end, and somehow I knew that I had to be the one to end it. I wanted to be a good mother. I wanted to be a good person, but I just didn’t know how. I desperately cried out to God.
I didn’t understand what was going on at the time, but certain things just didn’t feel right anymore. At the time my youngest son’s dad was living with me. At night I would scoot over to the very edge of the bed and would not let him touch me. I was ashamed, and although I didn’t know it at the time, I was starting to become very aware of my sin.
The Holy Spirit was convicting me and over the course of several months God began to show Himself to me. I started noticing the beauty of nature just like I did when I was a child. I remembered how carefree I was, and how fascinated I was with God’s creation. Suddenly the sky was beautiful again. I could hear the birds singing and smell the flowers.
I began to have divine encounters with God. Some were not pleasant and I just didn’t get it. God was foreign to me. I was trying hard to be good but I still didn’t realize that I couldn’t do it on my own.
Between the forces of good and evil.
On more than one occasion I was at a bar when God opened my eyes to see into the spirit realm.I literally saw demon-like creatures operating through the people who I was with. It was terrifying, I can remember looking at those around me and thinking “I don’t belong here!”
I am so thankful that He is relentlessly in his pursuit of us!
I called His name.
These “encounters” went on for several months. There was a battle for my soul. I felt like I was being pulled to and fro. But even in the battle I couldn’t shake the wonderful presence that would come. And I had no idea what it was, but it would envelop me as I inched to the edge of the bed every night because I didn’t want to be touched in “that way” anymore by a man who was not my husband
Finally, on that glorious day while watching Ricky Lake I was no longer able to resist the wooing of the Holy Spirit. I fell to the floor and wept with my face in my hands. I was exhausted.
I was empty.
I was afraid.
Okay God! If this is you please save me, I can’t do this any longer, I want to be a good person but I need your help.
All I did was call His name. I didn’t say a fancy, long, eloquent prayer. I didn’t renounce the devil (I didn’t know how or what I was even doing). In that moment I didn’t repent of all my sins. I simply called His name and He came!
I felt an overwhelming sense of forgiveness and I immediately thought of my dad. I suddenly had a glimpse of him; a vision. I saw him in a beautiful grassy meadow and his face was bright and almost child-like. I knew he had made it to heaven. Somehow I knew that the devil was behind all of the evil things he had done and I completely forgave him.
Several years later I re-connected (on Facebook of course!) with my uncle; my dad’s little brother. He was with my dad when he passed away. He told me that he prayed with my dad and he had received Jesus on his death-bed. We wept together and I shared the vision I had with him.
Over the years several of my family members have come to know the Lord.
I have three amazing children who all love the Lord.
My oldest has five children of his own and it blesses me to know that he is raising them to love Jesus.
I often let my mind go back to that day in my living room and I am filled with gratitude because that is the day that He came to me!
He is my first true love and my forever. I promised Him that day that I would live for Him for the rest of my life. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but it truly has been worth it. In this world we will have trouble. But when we put our trust in Him we can have peace in the midst of anything that comes our way.
After several years of serving in the local church and prison ministry, Lloydetta began her own ministry called Precious Fruit Ministries. Lloydetta developed a passion for victims of human and sex trafficking, and in 2012 her central focus shifted and Precious Fruit Ministries formed Restoration House as a project of the ministry. Restoration House will be a long-term home to help minor girls rebuild their lives after being exploited into the sex-trafficking industry. PFM/Restoration House is recognized with the IRS as a 501c3 charitable organization. If you are interested in partnering with Restoration House please contact Lloydetta at email@example.com.
In addition to her charitable work and ministry Lloydetta brings over 20 years of sales and customer service experience to Coldwell Banker team as a licensed Real Estate Sales Executive. She is passionate about serving others and would love the opportunity to work with you. You can connect with Lloydetta here:
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