God’s love is fierce, and sometimes we’re not fully aware of how fierce it is for us until we look back and see all that it saved us from…especially ourselves.
Brutal memories stuffed for the sake of survival began to surface throughout all three of my pregnancies, but most intensely with my last child, my only girl. With the memories of trauma and abuse came great fear. Fear that I didn’t have what it took to raise one child let alone three. Fear that I would never be able to escape my past.
And most importantly, fear that I would repeat the same destructive cycle with my own children.
Growing up the only girl with 4 brothers, life for me was anything but that of a princess. Being raised by a violent, abusive mother and a passive, “don’t rock the boat” father left me wounded both inside and out. And living with the truth that the abuse was reserved for me alone screamed that I was unloved, unworthy and most certainly unwanted. Most days I answered to the title of “girl” so any sense of a healthy identity alluded me for years, even well into my adult life.
By the time I found myself a pastor’s wife and pregnant with surprise number 3, I was already experiencing battles with shame, anger and an overwhelming sense of self-imposed perfection. The combination of fear and insecurity left me spiraling at the slightest failure. The mess inside was beginning to seep outside.
But God’s intervention seems to always arrive just in time.God's intervention in our lives always happen just in time! #fierceFriday #fiercelyHis Click To Tweet
A few months after my daughter was born He caught my attention long enough to show me that he had a plan to free me and show me a different way to love and live. But before He could free me, He had to plant the depths of his love into the depths of my broken and tattered heart.
In order to do this, He began calling me to trust in a way I had never trusted anyone before. He showed me that simply remembering the pain and misery wasn’t enough. I needed to invite Him in to do surgery. To open up and expose the wounds and surgically remove the dead scar tissue which was clogging my filter and hindering me from embracing the very love that I so desperately needed. Before I could ever hope to pass it on to and through my children.
It meant letting God show me all the ways I saw Him as a relentless, unpleasable tyrant who was quick to punish and unwilling to love me, protect me or fight for me. It meant identifying all the lies born out of each and every difficult act of abuse and trusting enough let Him extract them, one by one and replace them with truth.
The journey was long and grueling at times.
Most days I thought the remembering alone would break me. But throughout the process, God made it clear that He was the process.
It wasn’t about me; it was all about Him. I simply had to yield to the One who never intended to leave me in my broken and exposed state. With the skill of a master surgeon, he placed a group of counselors in my life who weren’t surprised or overwhelmed by my pain and a group of prayer warriors from all over the world who prayed for me throughout my soul surgery.
Knowing what my heart needed, He began to show me the times He was there before I ever knew who He was.God is with us even when we don't know who He is! #fierceFriday #fiercelyHis Click To Tweet
I emerged from that surgery with a new heart and vibrant, fresh truth circulating through my veins. An accepting and unwavering love emanated from my soul and washed over me. For the first time, the knowledge that I was deeply loved and fiercely His spanned the 18” gap between my head and my heart. And the path became clearly visible for how to parent my children from a place of grace, hope and unconditional love instead of from a place of fear and insecurity.
It didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen without a few more follow-up procedures, but it happened.
Today, I’m so profoundly blessed to be the mother of 3 fiercely loved adult children; a son who is a History Professor in China, a second son who is a Worship Pastor and a daughter who is soon to graduate as the Biologist of the family. To be here, now, is a testimony of a love too fierce to fully comprehend. That this love chooses to save even one soul from disaster would be enough, but that God also chooses to heal and restore all that was taken and right what was wrong is simply astounding.
God’s fierce love is the kind of love that breaks every cycle and calls us to forever hope in Him.Gods fierce love breaks every cycle and calls us to forever hope in Him. #fierceFriday… Click To Tweet
Crystal is a warrior, and she is #fiercelyHis!
Crystal is an advocate of living outside of comfort zones as a means to unlocking hidden potential and experiencing God’s wild and uncontainable love. She writes on combining a little bit of intention with a lot of passion to create an overwhelming legacy of hope. She’s also a lover of fresh markets, lattes and all things French.
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