Happy Fierce Friday, friends! Today’s story is heartbreaking, but full of hope and inspiration. Tracy is a #fiercelyHis reader and I so appreciate her reaching out to me to share her story. I just know you’ll be inspired as I was.
a shattered heart.
I walked into the bedroom Caleb and Logan shared. It felt hollow, without laughter or play. Logan’s crib was on one side of the room and Caleb’s twin bed was on the other. The toys they played with together were scattered across the room. As I looked around it occurred to me that this was the farthest Caleb had ever been from us…
Because his lifeless body lay three hours away on a cold bed that was being prepared for burial.
I was no longer there for him.
He no longer needed me by his side.
Caleb would never walk into this room again.
As I sat on his bed I picked up his pillow, searching for his scent.
All I smelled was a clean pillowcase.
I rocked back and forth, clutching his pillow as it absorbed my shattered heart.
How am I going to do this?
How am I going to be the mother I am intended to be for Logan?
How am I going to be the virtuous wife I desire to be to my husband when we are both so broken?
I needed God more than ever and I begged Him to not fail me.
There was silence and I felt numb.
I sat in the stillness knowing that God was with me, even though His omnipresence felt impossible.
It was then that I decided that I would not allow the loss of Caleb to cripple me as a mother or wife. I wanted something good to come out of all of this.
I decided to fight.
Allow me to backtrack. My name is Tracy and I became a mother at the age of 19 years old. Life was going well for us and I was happy. I was also pregnant with our 2nd child.
We were actively involved in the choir at our church. There was a women who volunteered to watch Caleb during choir practice. She loved playing with our beautiful blonde headed, blue-eyed little boy. Caleb seemed abnormally irritable and she also noticed a lump on his abdomen. She suggested we take him to the Dr. Honestly we weren’t that concerned and didn’t think it was a big deal, but decided that it might be a good idea just to be safe.
At my next prenatal check up I asked my Dr. about it. It makes me shutter because I almost forgot. He ordered blood work and an ultrasound to be done the next day.
That was January, 2000 and it forever changed my life. I was told Caleb had Wilms Tumor. It is a type of cancer you are born with but you cannot detect until you become a toddler and then it grows rapidly. Caleb’s tumor was the size of a small melon.
I will never forget calling my husband. He drove him immediately.
The next day we drove three hours to get to the hospital to have Caleb’s tumor removed.
Caleb was a trooper and he fought cancer for a year but it came back with a vengeance attacking every part of his body. A God so lovingly and patiently waiting until we were ready for him to go home, he died in my arms while my husband and I sang his favorite song.
We drove three hours to get home that day.
I couldn’t talk on the way home.
Did my son just pass away, or was this a bad dream and I would wake up and hug my boys tighter and thank God for them?
You can do a lot of soul-searching in three hours…
Gazing out the window I knew the choice I was about to make was going to heal or destroy my relationship with God.
The Christian songs on the radio reminded me that He had not forsaken me.
I chose to give God all of my pain knowing that I would probably pick it back up again. I’ve learned that it’s difficult to keep the pain of the past at God’s feet.
I made the choice that day to not allow myself to become bitter. I would trust.
I can now say it was an honor for God to think I was strong enough to go through the loss of a child.
Caleb would have been 19 years old on December 23, 2016. I posted a picture of Caleb with a tribute that I’d like to share with you:
Caleb- I can hardly believe that you would be 19 years old today.The day you left this world you took the innocence of my youth with you but you have left a legacy. Not a day passes where you do not grace my mind with your presence. The tears come less often than they once did, but they still fall with the same weighted pain of your absence tied to them. This year I started to write a book and part of it is about you. I hope with time it will be published. What they say about with time it gets easier, they are right in a way. The memories of when you were sick had faded away, but this year I needed them to come back to remember. Everything came flooding back like it had just happened.This time it was looking at memories from a bystander.I feel I inherited an incredible amount of knowledge and wisdom from your passing, things that can only come from surviving tragedy. There is also a deep level of compassion and empathy that I now have, and an understanding of people. For that, I cannot be anything other than grateful. Thank you. I hope you’re doing well on the other side. but I’ll meet you again in the sky one day. and I’ll continue to let those last words you spoke that I can remember keep ringing in my ear: “ Mommy Jesus is with me”. Today as a family we have enjoyed talking about what you were what could have been and whats going to be.
Mom, Dad, Logan, and Allison
God has been my comforter in peace and he too will be that to you today!
Tracy is a fighter!
Tracy loves God deeply and is always longing to go deeper in her walk with Him. She is a wife and a mother and is active in her church where she plays the piano and is a coordinator for the deaf ministry. Tracy is passionate about everything she does and is in the process of writing her first book. She would love to hear from you! You can contact either email@example.com or http://Facebook.com/tracy.blount
I always enjoy hearing from you! Can you identify with Tracy’s story? I would love to hear your thoughts below.
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