“I would love for you to speak at our Women’s Conference this year.”
Those 13 little words caused my heart to hit the floor because I knew at some point that it would be coming and I was extremely nervous. Yet, God had been preparing my heart for this for the last year. I don’t know why I was anxious I just was. When I hung up the phone I inched down to the floor and stared straight ahead for what seemed the longest time. Ya know that one emoji with the big eyes and straight mouth? Yeah that was me. “God…, this is it, isn’t it?”
Then I remembered; everything that I had gone though and everything that our family had gone through had brought us to that day. The day that I would share my story publicly. The day that would cause countless lives to be touched by my heavenly Father.
So, has it been worth it? Naturally I guess it seems my answer would be yes. Our family is so happy today. There is pure, genuine and fierce love. John and I know what it feels like to almost lose love and we’ve both tasted death. We are thankful and we live each and every day out of gratefulness, and hopefully that has been passed down to our girls. So to get to where we are today I would say yes it has been worth it…but if I could go back and change what I had done than I would. Because even though today we are happy I wish I hadn’t done it. I wish I could take it back and go to the place I was before I broke my husband’s heart into tiny little pieces.
When my beautiful friend Jen asked me to speak she had no idea what was really going on in my mind. The self-doubt, the fear, the anguish. Would my family be okay? Why would I tell thousands of people about such a dirty secret? God? God! Is this really you??
I knew I had to do two things before I told her a definite yes. #1- It was critical that my husband be 100% on board and at peace with this. #2- I would need to have a conversation with my daughters.
My sweet daughters.
This was almost too much to bear. After everything John and I had gone through; the utter heart-break, the depression, the isolation…nothing to me was worse than possibly causing my daughters’ heart to break in two for them knowing about what I had done. This is where FAITH comes in. It took an enormous amount of faith for me to move forward with what I believe God had called me to do. I had to believe that if he had called me to share my testimony publicly that he would put everything in to place perfectly and that included taking care of my daughters’ hearts. Let me just tell you, he had their hearts in His enormous hands the whole time.
Before I go on, let’s backup just a little.
It took about 5 years for both of us to become completely whole. 5 years of blood and sweat. It was hard work. Marriage is hard work y’all. But if you push through the hard times it can be so rewarding.
We only lived in Dallas for roughly 2- 2 1/2 years. John’s company was bought by a bigger, larger company so some things changed and it allowed us to move back to Oklahoma. Back home. It was a miracle. God knew what we needed- to be back home surrounded by family and loved ones. As I told you yesterday, the next couple of years proved to be the hardest. When we go through hard things in life we have two choices. Either we sweep it under the rug; because sweeping it under the rug will cause it to go away, or we do the hard part and face it. Remember Jeremiah 29:13?
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL of your heart.
We could have swept it under the rug…acted like it was fine, but ultimately that probably would’ve been our downfall, and we would’ve chosen to live an average life, mediocre, okay, ordinary life. But we didn’t do that. We chose to face it. We had to face it. We longed for wholeness. We longed for genuine happiness. So we chose to face it. We had so much junk to work through. If you’re marriage has been rocked by infidelity than you know exactly what I’m talking about. In order for us to survive we had no choice. We had to seek Him with ALL of our hearts, so that we would find Him, and in finding Him we would find our ultimate healing.
We fought and we fought hard. And it made us strong. Jesus made is strong.
So after Jen called and asked me to speak I talked to my husband and he was 100% at peace. He had no second thoughts. I kinda thought he might have second thoughts but he had none. Ok God? Wow! Well that was easy..so that was checked off my list.
Next. My girls. Oh God, my sweet girls…
When I talked to Alex it was the most beautiful moment and something I will forever treasure in our relationship. We went and got take out from Chipotle (her favorite place) and went to the park for a picnic. It is her senior year so I wanted to just talk to her about being an adult and tell her about the mistakes I had made in my early adulthood days that hopefully she could avoid. I knew this would also be a perfect time to tell her about what her dad and I had gone through. So after we talked about some of those things, I knew it was time to talk to her about the other. “Honey, also….your momma made a mistake….” The moment I said the word mistake she bowed her head and put her face in her hands and started sobbing. I freaked out thinking OH MY GOD what have I done?? Was this a mistake??!!!
She looks up at me. “Mom, I already knew. I’ve known all along.
Wait. What? “I didn’t know if you were ever going to tell me. I’ve kept it inside for so long.”
Wow. I immediately started telling her how much I loved her daddy and what an amazing man he was and I started talking about love and forgiveness and I asked her to forgive me. I mean I was grasping at straws here…
“Mom, I forgave you a long time ago.”
Those words. 8 words. Who knew 8 small words could change a life.
This little girl had kept that secret to herself for 7 years. She never spoke a word of it to anyone. Never asked me about it. Never asked John about it. Never talked to her sissy about it. Wow. What a girl. What a strong, courageous little girl.
We underestimate our children sometimes.
How did she know? Honestly I’m not sure. The only way she could’ve known is by hearing me and her dad talk. We had A LOT to talk about- especially after the initial trauma of the infidelity. We talked every night when they went to bed and any time we had a chance when we thought they weren’t listening. Alex is also very intuitive and picks up on things very quickly. She’s a smart one, that girl.
Galatians 6:7- …a man reaps what he sows.
I have reaped what I have sown in my precious oldest daughter. She carried that around for 7 years. If you know my Alex, than you know that she is very hard to get to know. She is sort of closed-off and it takes a lot for her to trust someone. She keeps her emotions bottled up and sometimes she finds it hard to express herself and how she is feeling. I believe this is because she had to learn to keep things in and keep her emotions at bay. My Alex is the most caring person you will ever meet. She truly cares about people even if her actions paint a different picture. Most won’t take the time to get to know her- but those that do find a loyal and caring friend.
We’ve always had a strong bond. I’ve had that with both of my girls. My love for them comes with a certain kind of fierceness. Since that conversation we have had an even stronger bond. It broke so many chains in her life as it did mine. She has a different kind of peace about her now…and I don’t know if she knows it, actually I take that back- I’m certain she does know..it’s the peace of the Father. A peace that ONLY comes from above. Her senior year isn’t what I had hoped it to be for her. In fact, it has been extremely hard for various other reasons. Yet, even so, she has peace. And she is happy. She’s always been happy…but she is a different kind of happy now.
And here comes the miracle:
My sweet Alex- she knows how to fight. You see, we didn’t know that she knew. Over the last several years Alex has known what her parents went through…and she has seen us genuinely fight for one another. She was watching. I don’t know what she thought initially. Did she think we were going to make it? I don’t know? Did she wonder if one day she would come home from school only to find out her parents were getting a divorce? I don’t know? Each day though…she saw us fight for each other. She literally was witness to her parents putting the pieces of their marriage back together. She saw us love; the genuine, authentic kind of love. And she saw Him. She saw Jesus.
Can we just take a moment and give Him the honor he so deserves?? Thank you Lord!! Thank you so much!
And Averee Grace?
Look at that sweet girl. Oh that little bundle of joy, what can I say about her? When I had my conversation with Averee she formed big crocodile tears in her eyes. She had questions. I answered. I was honest and real. Then 15 minutes later she was asking what we were having for dinner. Seriously if it were normal I would take a bite out of those cheeks of hers. If I could just fold her up and carry her in my pocket… Oh how I love that sweet baby of mine. She brings joy to everyone she touches. She has truly been a gift to me.
Can I tell you something? Be honest with your kids. Always be honest. Be real.
Today our family is a living, breathing miracle. When I think of the grave possibilities that could have taken place had we not surrendered to Jesus I shutter. There is fierce love in our home. What you see is what you get with us. People joke and kid with me all the time about the way we love each other. “You and John are so sappy and mushy!” Yep. We are. I would always think to myself- if you only knew what we have gone through to get here. We hold on to each other and we hold on tight.
John and I have learned the gift of God in marriage. We are a team. We love and we love hard. We don’t hide it. Love is a decision and we have decided to love on purpose. When I am weak, he is strong. When he is weak, I am strong.
Because of Jesus.
We are John and Shannon. And we always will be.
We have had so much favor in our life. John has had so much favor in his career. Since this happened he has received three promotions. He has had favor at work that you would not believe. I believe God has honored him for his decision to fight through the pain and work on our marriage. John has developed such a strength and tenacity that only comes from God. Oh how God has honored Him.
God will honor you when you do the hard things.
Proverbs 3: 3-4 Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart. Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will earn a good reputation.
Me? Well if you knew me before and you know me now you probably will say I am a completely different Shannon, in a good way. I’ve come a long way. I am bold. I am strong. I will speak truth in love to you. I will support you and I will fight for you. I do all of this because of Jesus inside of me. It isn’t me, it’s Him. He is my reason!
I realized something yesterday as I was driving down the road and it made me giggle..so I changed my blog name to ShannonGeurin.com right? I think that’s been Gods plan ever since I started my blog, because.. well,..I am Shannon Geurin. That’s who I am. There is nothing for me to be ashamed of. I am the daughter of the the most high King and because of this my chin is up. I am His.
I can’t think you enough for allowing me to share our story of love and redemption. Thank you for listening. Please take it and ask God what he wants you to learn. What ever it is that you are going though, or have gone through, what can you learn from my story? Open your heart to what ever it may be and I promise He will touch you. Please stay with me and keep reading my blog! I have such a desire to speak life in to you!!
Much love to you, my friend!
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