My head was in his lap and I was looking up at the ceiling, wondering how I had gotten here. My little girl hopes and dreams were flashing right before my very eyes. My heart felt like it was literally being torn apart. My husband’s soft hands were brushing away the hairs surrounding my face. “Shannon, do you really think that this is Gods will?” In that moment, that very tiny moment in time, it was like a lightbulb that had been flickering for days finally flashed all the way on and shined bright. “No,” I said. “No, it can’t be.”
John and I will be married 25 years this year in June. Wow what a journey! This man I love with all of my heart, soul, and mind. He is my everything second only to Jesus.
I was 19 and he was 20 when we got married and boy did we have the world by the tail. 6 years later we were blessed by a beautiful big lipped baby girl, Alex Elizabeth and 2 1/2 years after that a blue eyed wonder, Averee Grace.
A little over 14 years ago when Averee was about a year old, John’s best friend suddenly died and it completely rocked our world. He and John had plans. They were going to open a business together and had already done most of the research to get started. Our families were close. We spent vacations and holidays together. It was a very traumatic time not only for us, but of course their family as well. He had left a wife and 3 small children behind.
Fast forward 2 years and John had another best friend that suddenly died. Same situation. We were close and spent vacations together. He left a wife and two small children behind.
As crazy as this sounds, after this happened I knew that I would be next. I mean, why wouldn’t I be? John has a pretty extensive family history of heart disease. Surely he will die soon, and I too will be left to take care of two small children. How in the world was I going to do this? How will I get through it? Watching my two friends go through the loss of the loves of their lives just about did me in. It was extremely painful. I don’t know how they did it. Seriously- I have no idea, because we grew apart. Sadly I am no longer close with these two ladies for really no other reason than we just grew apart. But maybe if I peeled the banana back a little more, I intentionally pulled myself away from them. Distancing myself in order to try and save myself. Very selfish I know, but sometimes in life you do things that necessarily may not be the right things in order to survive.
So “knowing” that John would be next I started preparing myself and my heart. I started living out of fear and I just had to figure out a way to become independent. I needed to learn how to take care of myself and my two girls without leaning on John. This was a gradual process and it was something that just happened over time. I didn’t “set out” to become independent, it just happened. And it was wrong. Aside from that, I had completely left my heavenly Father out. I had forgotten to put my trust in Him. There were parts of me that I just hadn’t given over to Him. This was the beginning of my failure. Fear. I let fear in and allowed it to control my mind and thoughts.
Over the next several years we had our normal ups and downs as a couple. We had the normal struggles. We were doing fine and we were happy. We loved each other. So when Alex was about 7 and Averee 5, John received a promotion at work which caused us to move to Dallas, Texas. We were excited and ready for this new adventure for our family. Little did we realize that the bricks were slowly starting to break apart and were on the verge of crumbling down around us suffocating and crushing both of us almost to the point of death.
I wish I would’ve heeded to the above verse. Oh God I wish I would have..
Also- don’t forget to enter the drawing for these babies! The contest ends on Friday! To enter click here and scroll down. Good luck!
Kendra Scott Alex Earrings
Love you much!
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