Hello friends! Today’s #fierceFriday writer is Leah Grey. If you are in a difficult marriage, I encourage you to sit back and lean in! Leah has a powerful story!
“I sat in the dark thinking about what life would be like after being divorced for a second time. I quite liked living alone. Being a perfectionist, living alone suited me just fine. My house would stay in order. I could cook whatever I wanted for dinner. The children would have a routine and it would be blissful. Elizabeth Taylor was married eight times for goodness sake.”The time on the stove said, “11:13pm”. The lights were off in my parents living room, I was visiting them at the time. I was sitting in my father’s yellow easy-chair talking on the phone to my husband.
I swiveled around in circles in the yellow chair while my conversation with my husband spiraled out of control. He was back in New York, allegedly working. The problem was that every time I left him alone he seemed to forget he was a husband. While I was having family time in rural Ontario, Canada, he spent his days doing God only knows. I didn’t know where he was. That was the whole problem.
You see, I married a drug addict.
I could tell you about my husband’s pain and the reasons why he used drugs. I could also tell you of his great successes and his savant-like skills in technology but this story isn’t about him.
This story is about me.
I’m a small-town girl who spent most of her life reaching for a bar of success that she personally set too high. I was fearful and insecure. I made friends with “misfits” because I knew they would accept me. I waffled and waned in the crowd of outcasts, drug addicts and drunkards alike, to escape ridicule and years of being bullied.
It was in that crowd that I met my husband.
My husband was a charming, handsome, latin man who promised me security. He was from New York, which was nothing less a dream come true. Typical, small-town girl moves to New York story… I know.
What ensued was nothing less than a nightmare. I won’t go into all the details, I’ll just say that it was bad and leave it at that.
Back to my story:
I vigorously rocked back and forth in my father’s chair trying to will off tears. I thought, somehow, the rocking motion would stop them from rolling down my cheeks. At this point, we had already had a full-on intervention with my husband. He’d been admitted to the psych ward.
He tried to kill himself, more than once.
He went to rehab.
He did an outpatient program. He went to meetings.
He found God.
What was it going to take to wake him up?
As my husband adamantly protested my constant insisting that he needed to go to treatment yet again, I felt hope leaving my body like a gust of wind.
“I’m not going.” He said.
I told him that if he didn’t go, I wouldn’t see him again. He said, that was alright. No amount of rocking was going to stop the flood of tears that came rolling down my cheeks.
I lost my breath and started hyperventilating.
“How… how… how… could…. you… do…. this…. to… me…?!” I stammered through tears and broken breaths.
He said nothing.
“What… about… the… kids…?!”
He said nothing.
“I… hate… you…” I said.
A moment passed, “Well, this is your fault.” He said.
I hung up the phone and cried like I’d never cried before. I didn’t know I could be filled with so much agony. I’d mourned before but never like that. A mix of pain and frustration overwhelmed me.
It felt like the room was getting darker.
I didn’t want to fight anymore.
Suddenly, I knew I had a choice. I could walk away. It was my moment to stop fighting for my marriage and let my husband continue on as he chose. In the addiction circles, they would call it, “Letting go” and it would be totally okay if I did. No one would blame me for leaving.
I sat in the dark thinking about what life would be like after being divorced for a second time. I quite liked living alone. Being a perfectionist, living alone suited me just fine. My house would stay in order. I could cook whatever I wanted for dinner. The children would have a routine and it would be blissful. Elizabeth Taylor was married eight times for goodness sake.
I would be a modern day Elizabeth Taylor and I would be fabulous.
I was so serious, I even wrote it on a post-it-note and saved it to my computer desktop.
In my Father’s easy-chair, I found solitude in fantasies of leaving.
I would paint my walls the perfect creamy white… my bedroom would be bohemian and pink with plenty of natural sunlight… my house would smell like cupcakes and candles… I daydreamed happily.
Then, the phone rang.
Reality has a way of coming in fast. It doesn’t sneak in slowly like one would wish for when daydreaming, it comes rushing in all at once. With each shrill ring of the phone I knew I had a decision to make.
The choice was very clear…
“Be Still” He said.
“The Lord will fight for you; You need only to be still” -Exodus 14:14
God had been preparing me for this moment for months. The words, “Be Still” were on a craft I made at a random event I wouldn’t have normally gone to, I ordered a t-shirt and it had, “Be Still” on the tag, my son’s agenda from school that year said, “Be Still”, my husband’s devotional from the treatment center had, “Be Still” on it; The message, “Be Still” was everywhere I went.
I knew that if I answered the phone, the road I was going down would be long. I knew it would be hard. I knew it wouldn’t always be rewarding but it would be fruitful. In a moment, I knew that God would go before me and defeat the enemy ahead.
“Hello?” I said, answering the phone.
“Ok” my husband said, “I’ll go”.
Real inner strength is actually confidence.
Sometimes, that confidence can come from a confidence we have in ourselves but when life strips away our armor and breaks us down, the most powerful thing we can have is confidence in God.When life breaks us down, the most powerful thing we can have is confidence in God.… Click To Tweet
There is no enemy who can defeat Him.
God will fight for our inheritance, He will fight for our peacefulness and He will fight for our joy.
That day, I wanted to leave my chaotic marriage but I stayed and clung desperately to Jesus. I’ve not been disappointed. The road I’m on is still long and hard but it’s been filled with a bounty of blessings.
If God has called you into battle, be strong and let Him lead.
Our God is a good Father and even though we may sometimes lose confidence in the world, we can stay confident in Him.
We belong to Him.
We are fiercely His and He fights for us, every step of the way.
Leah is a fighter! #fiercelyHis
Leah Grey runs a faith-based online ministry for women with loved ones who struggle with drug and alcohol addiction. She challenges popular beliefs about addiction and encourages women to support their loved ones’ recovery, without abandoning them, by creating healthy boundaries. In March 2016, she launched her website, leahgrey.com and community for women in crisis, “Live, Love, Hope”.
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“Live, Love, Hope” Community link-> http://www.facebook.com/groups/livelovehope
I hope you’ve found inspiration and encouragement through Leah’s story like I have! Please take a minute to say ‘hi’ and share your thoughts below.
Also, would you do me a favor —if you can relate with this article or it has helped you today— would you share it with someone else?
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