My Story | Part 2

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I had sunk to the lows of all lows. This was my un-doing. The taste of death was on my tongue. The burden of shame was immensely strong and I rarely ventured out. If I did get out, I kept my eyes straight ahead toward my task never looking at anyone in the eye. I felt like I had a giant post-it note attached to my forehead that read “She’s the one.” I would walk into a restaurant and could feel every head turn toward me.  I was certain they all knew. They knew what I had done to my husband, my family, my precious babies. It was all just too much. 

my story part2

If you’re just now tuning in, be sure to read Part One of my story.

We were excited to move. Yeah, it was gonna be hard. All of our friends and family were in Oklahoma. Every thing we knew was in Oklahoma. We were tight with everyone- our family, our friends, our church. But we were ready. We felt it was God’s will and we were ready and prepared (or so I thought) for the adventure.

John had received a pretty significant promotion so he was in a season of proving himself at work. He has always been good at balancing work and home. He has always put family as a priority and he does it so beautifully- it’s one of the things that I admire and love about him so much. So during this season in his career it wasn’t that he really worked a lot, but he was under a lot of pressure. He was stressed out. He was on their radar and they were watching him. He just had a lot to prove.

The house we bought was an older home so it needed some work. The master bathroom was a mess so we had to have it updated. It sounds like a simple task but honestly it was a lot of stress for me because I was the one over-seeing the project. Aside from that, I had to find new doctors, new dentists, new hair stylists – things you really don’t think about when you move, and it was just hard.

Do you remember yesterday how I was talking about the way I let fear creep in? Fear had crept in to such a degree after the death of our friends there was a part of me that I kept away from John…the most vulnerable part. I needed to be strong. I needed to be able to take care of myself. That fear flourished inside of me and taught me how to not need my husband.  That fear caused there to be a crack in the door of our marriage. And Satan slivered his way through.

Not too long after our move I opened the door of my heart to another man. This led to an emotional affair and then a physical affair that literally almost destroyed me and my husband and our two girls.

I’m going to stop right here and say to you- if you are flirting with this temptation STOP RIGHT NOW. It’s not worth it. I’m telling you, it’s NOT worth it! I will go further to say that it’s NEVER God’s will to break up a family. NEVER. If you’re involved in a relationship like this than STOP. It is NEVER God’s will for you to leave your spouse to be with someone else. NEVER.

So that’s it. I betrayed my husband. The one who my soul has always loved. The one who I promised to cherish and love all the days of my life. The one who makes up half of my beautiful girls’ heart. I betrayed him. This beautiful man, I betrayed. When the affair came to light, my husband did not kick me out. He should have…but he didn’t. Instead he opened his arms to me. He showed me the love of Jesus. Don’t get me wrong…he didn’t just roll over. He’s a smart guy. He had no idea what I would do, and he had to be prepared. The morning after it came to light he got up (he was sleeping upstairs in the guest room), came downstairs and got in the shower as if he was going to work.

I knew he wasn’t going to work.

He was going to see an attorney. So he left that morning. The girls were with my in-laws so I was alone. I remember just laying in my bed in the fetal position not knowing what was going to happen. I called my dad and I told him everything. I felt like I was a teenager again as I listened. “Shannon, you cut it off! Cut it off RIGHT NOW.” He had a conviction in his voice that I had never heard. He scolded me and told me what a mistake I had made. He spoke truth to me and talked sense to me. Yes, I felt like a teenager again…but it was exactly what I needed, because I certainly hadn’t been behaving like a responsible adult. Gosh- thank you so much Dad…for speaking truth to me. Thank you for not being afraid of the ramifications of how I would react. Thank you for being brave. You have showed me how to be brave. Oh how I love you Dad.

Can I just tell you this?? Speak TRUTH to your loved ones! Speak truth to them even when it will hurt them. And on the flip side- YOU ALLOW OTHERS TO SPEAK TRUTH TO YOU.  Speaking truth to others can literally save them! They may not take it well at first, but THEY WILL GET OVER IT.

Later that day I saw Johns car drive in front of our house and pull into the driveway. I walked over to the garage door. I just wanted a hug. I wanted to be in his arms. See, we have this special hug thing that we do. We’ve done it our whole marriage. I walk into his chest and he envelopes his arms all the way around me as if he is shielding me. So he walks in and I’m standing there. I walk right into his arms and he pulls me close. I said “I love you John.” “I love you too honey.” And at that moment we both knew that we were going to try. Little did we know that this was the hardest decision that we would ever make in our marriage.

Here’s the cool part. On the way home John was praying and crying out to God. He asked God to help him know what to do. He asked God for a sign….and when he walks in the door there I am. That was his sign. Our hug.

Only God.

So the girls were staying with my in-laws and we had about 4 days just to really talk things out and try and move past the initial trauma.  Let me say- it would have been SO much easier for both of us just to give up. Infidelity is extremely painful and it’s just too hard to come back from.  The world says it can’t be done.

But Jesus..

Giving up and getting a divorce would have been the easy part for us.

infidelity

Instead of kicking me out John welcomed me in. He showed me love. I had mocked him and spit in his face. I caused him to bleed and I shamed him.  Sound familiar? Matthew 26:67 “Then they spit in his face and struck him with their fists. Others slapped him..”

Jesus.

He showed me who Jesus was and for the first time in my life I realized what Jesus Christ did for me on that cross. I’ve been a christian and loved Jesus ever since I was a little girl and at the age of 36 I finally understood. 1 Peter 3:18 – Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but he died for sinners to bring us safely home to God. He suffered physical death, but he was raised to life in the spirit.

That cross though.

My head was in his lap and I was looking up at the ceiling, wondering how I had gotten here. My little girl hopes and dreams were flashing right before my very eyes. My heart felt like it was literally being torn apart.  My husband’s soft hands were brushing away the hairs surrounding my face. “Shannon, do you really think that this is Gods will?” In that moment, that very tiny moment in time, it was like a lightbulb that had been flickering for days finally flashed all the way on and shined bright. “No,” I said. “No, it can’t be.” I was so messed up. I had lost my mind..literally. I actually thought that it was God’s will for me to be with this other man.

I sat up and I asked him, “Why? Why are you treating me this way? Why haven’t you kicked me out?” He got up and started to walk around the sofa and stopped. He bowed over sobbing as if he was in deep pain. He looked up at me and said “Because I love you!- I love you Shannon?!”

I love you Shannon.

John, I love you too.

The days following didn’t get better. In fact, it got worse.

I’ll never forget the day we picked up our girls. I remember them piling out of the car; Alex’s mousey brown hair was just a mess and she had that crinkled up nose smile that she always gives me.  Averee’s sweet blue eyes just twinkled when she saw me. (Her eyes are now a warm chocolate brown but they were blue for the longest time.) They both ran up to me and hugged me so tight. We hugged for what seemed like the longest time. They had no clue. They had absolutely no clue what their momma and daddy was going through. Those sweet babies didn’t have a care in the world.

They had no idea that the next couple of years would be the hardest…that it would be an emotional roller coaster. They had no idea their parents were literally fighting the powers of darkness and hell.

But Jesus..

So we decided to make it work, but we were very, very broken. There was SO much to be repaired and so much work to be done. I had broken the heart of my husband and completely severed the relationship I had with many of my friends. How could I do such a thing? How could I? It wasn’t my character to do this. I was in such a state of depression for what I had done. There were many days that I didn’t know if I would make it. I just didn’t want to live in the shame and regret. It was too hard.

But Jesus..

Can I tell you something else? Never, EVER make this statement: “I would never do that.” You know, that saying… “Well, I would neeever…”   Oh Please. (Honestly that saying makes me want to throw up now.) I said it and look what happened. This thing….thing that I did was the NEVER of all never’s for me. It was my un-doing.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why in the hell world I would disclose something like this online or in public. It’s something that’s supposed to be kept a secret, right? It’s private. Yeah, I know. Well guess what? I’m doing it because I’m supposed to. God spoke very clearly to me and told me exactly what to do so I’m doing it. What we went through and how God restored us is just too much of a miracle to keep to myself. Honestly it’s His story, not mine.

JESUS.

Only Jesus.

Go on to Part Three, where I talk about my journey to wholeness and healing.

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee for #tellhisstory, Woman to Woman, Beth at MessyMarriage and Holly

As I’ve said before, I’m an open book. If you have any questions for me please don’t hesitate to email me. If you are involved in an affair or an affair has wrecked your marriage and you need encouragement, advice or just someone to pray with, please contact me! shannongeurin1 at gmail dot com.

I love you all…very, very much!

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  1. Suzie Eller says:

    Brave, brave, brave. You are moving from keeping a story buried to allowing it to unbury others from shame to find healing. I’m so proud of you. Thank you to John and your beautiful daughters for holding up the arms of the woman they call mom and wife so that you can break chains in Jesus’ name.

    • Shannon says:

      Thank you Suzie. You have been a God send to me. You have helped me and given me so much advice. I treasure you more than you know. xo

  2. micah Murray says:

    All I know to say is How great is our God. I was just down the road I could have helped you find Dr’s and hairdressers….just like you have helped me. But it was not our time to cross paths.
    I am so grateful that we have met because all I see in your family is beauty. Our Savior and Redeemer made beauty from ashes. That’s a testimony that needs to be shared. This took courage to be obedient. But your courage is going to set captives free! Love you much friend!

  3. Kim B says:

    I thought I was going to enjoy this part as I had already read part one. But when you got to the part about your affair, I had to stop reading. My husband cheated on me for years, and I never knew about it until last year on my birthday, when I found his texts to another woman. My heart was broken and still is. The wound is still raw and only Jesus can heal it. I feel for your husband. Reading this just makes my heart sad. I will never, ever understand knowingly making a horrible choice to deceive and betray your love. I am happy for you that things are better in your marriage but I won’t be reading anymore of your posts because I have no respect for you.

    And no, I would NEVER, EVER do that because I know how much it hurts and I could never knowingly hurt someone like that.

    • Shannon says:

      I am very sorry that you feel that way. I will pray for your heart. Much love to you.

    • Tiffiney says:

      Oh, Dear Kim…

      I am so sorry that you’re husband betrayed your trust but I am wholly optimistic about God healing your marriage and removing the bitterness from your heart.

      You are speaking out of your pain…which is understandable, but I know that God is able to bring you to a complete place of healing and restore your marriage so that it’s better than it was to begin with. (And when He does this amazing work…please come back and testify about His life transforming power.)

      I will be praying for you, my dear sister.

  4. Cindy says:

    You are a strong and brave woman. Fear, when you let it creep in, will defeat you. It overcame my life the day one of your friends passed away. I gave in to fear, doubt, anger and a multitude of other feelings that ultimately allowed satan to convince me my only escape was to take my own life. I failed…thank you Jesus. I was beaten…but not defeated. With the continued love and support of family and friends, I learned to forgive and cherish the life that God had blessed me with

    Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

    I admire your strength and the courage it took to share your story.

  5. Kristen Ming says:

    Shannon, I am proud of you for being obedient. If God told you to be an open book and share, then you share! I’m sure it’s not easy, but wow what a story of Gods grace & love. I’m always so amazed of how God continues to love us even we don’t deserve it. NOTHING shall separate us from HIS love! Thank God for that! Love you my sweet brave friend!

  6. Laura says:

    I know this story, but still find myself speechless. Speechless because, well, Jesus. His redeeming grace leaves me speechless. And speechless because I can only imagine the anxiousness of your heart right now, especially considering the comment you received (and the others that are likely to follow). But, Jesus. Thank you for being His hands and feet…his mouthpiece for His redeeming grace and forgiveness. I love you! Xoxo

    • Shannon says:

      Yes-I won’t lie- after I read it I was bothered, but you are right- there will be others and its okay. I know the truth. God has got this and I have faith! Love you Laura!

  7. Katie says:

    Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Its a beautiful story of God’s redemptive love for us. How amazing that you were able to see that lived out in a practical way when the world would have said to give up. Love you, I am praying for peace and lives to be changed and you continue to be brave enough to share what God has asked you to.

  8. Lyndi says:

    Like I told you in a private message, I was shocked when I read this. However, I admire you for so BRAVE and obedient. I know without a doubt your story is going to help so many families. You truly inspire me, friend! XOXO

  9. Lux G. says:

    Infidelity is a monster almost everyone has encountered.
    What a brave soul you are. I admire your resilience and faith.

    You are an inspiration to many, especially to women.

    • Shannon says:

      Thank you dear!! Only by the grace of God do we recover from sin. And your right, infidelity is something a lot have encountered. It’s kept in the dark though.. only when we bring it to light does God restore! Thanks for stopping by! xoShannon

  10. Amy reece says:

    Why are we so shocked and offended when Christians sin? They are people too and by no means perfect! Being a Christian doesn’t mean being perfect! It doesnt keep sin or temptation out! It means leaning on Jesus for guidance and forgiveness when we do mess up! You can’t judge someone because their sin happens to be different than your sin! You may not have committed this sin but you have sinned! It is not our job to judge! This wonderful woman opened a wound to others to show us it happens to ANYONE and that Jesus still forgives even if humans dont! Learn from it!

  11. Erica says:

    Praise God for healing and restoration of your marriage and family.

  12. Beth says:

    You’re so right, Shannon! Only God could put many of the shattered pieces of your marriage and love back together like He did. I’m grateful for your husband’s graciousness. It’s an inspiring example to us all but I’m also grateful for your courage and vulnerability, my friend! There are many who have done what you’ve done, but there is God’s grace! I hope you continue to draw close to God and that your story has a huge healing impact on others!

  13. Kayla Nelson says:

    Oh man, this story just has me in tears. My heart breaks for your situation, but seeing Jesus through it is the most amazing thing of all. It always completely blows my mind when our Heavenly Father so intimately touches us – in reference to your hug, your sign. What a brave step of faith to publish this story and to face the humiliation that inevitably may come your way but MAN, what a TESTIMONY to the restoration of Jesus. Thank you for your faithfulness and your honesty. <3

    • Shannon says:

      Kayla- thank you for your kind words. Honestly it’s all about our Heavenly Father…and yes, you’re right- facing humiliation is hard…but I imagine it’s nothing compared to what He did on the cross for me. Sharing my story and how it’s really His story is an honor. I can’t imagine keeping something to miraculous to myself. I can’t imagine doing that and robbing a blessing from someone else. Thank you so much for stopping by today! 🙂

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